Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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