considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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