she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
please come you make the beer taste better
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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