can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
