Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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