I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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