I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
