i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
