Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
