i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
