I accidentally had phone sex last night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
