I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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