I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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