So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
