I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
