just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
