the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
