and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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