Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
