I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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