So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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