just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
my poor anus
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
