I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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