I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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