just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize