My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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