I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
