Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Houston, we have a blender
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
