girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
