At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
