Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
