I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
ttyl tear gas
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
