dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
