just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
