the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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