what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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