i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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