She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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