i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
