I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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