I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
