seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
