It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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