if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
