Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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