So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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