note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
