Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
