he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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