woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
