Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
