i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i wish my penis had a tongue
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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