Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
