fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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