Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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