Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
