my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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