I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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