I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
